copper
I was on my way home Monday afternoon when a copper with far too much time on his hands pulled me over. The grill at the front of my car had come loose and was hanging down. At worst it looked awkward - and I presumed the copper was just being a caring sort of guy. I tried to push it back in but it kept falling out. I asked the policeman if he had any tape in his jam-jar and after about 3 seconds of looking he came back and said 'No'.
I offered to drive it to the garage or even the mile to my home and fix it there but PC Plod was not having it. "Either fix it here or pull it off", were my apparent options. Well I wasn't going to rip the rest off - that would be silly. So I decided to fix it - but I didn't have anything in which to do it with so I phoned the wife and asked her to bring some tape.
Unfortunately for me, the wife was on the phone and I got the BT message "The person you are calling is currently unavailable...". At this juncture I should have just phoned somebody else but instead I decided to 'blag it'. At this second pivotal juncture, I should have opted to stick with 'the blag' instead of trying to be funny.
Rather than leave a message saying "Hi babe, can you meet me in Downs Road - I need some tape to fix my car...blah blah." I decided to act out an old gag I had heard for a professional footballer back in the eighties and screamed down the phone "Oi you fat bitch, my fucking car's broken and if you don't get off your fat arse and come to Downs Road prompto with some fucking tape I'm going to smash your ugly face in!". Then I hung up. PC Plod went absolutely, completely and utterly loopy. He immediately grabbed my arm and bellowed "What the hell did you just say?"
Pointing his hairy finger in my face he went on shouting "I can take you in for threatening behaviour, in my eyes you have just assaulted that woman - you just threatened to smash a rock in her face!”
At this point I realised my ill-judged gag had backfired. "I was only joking...” I yelped. "It didn't sound like a joke to me!" (PC Plod is now walking me to his car).
"No, no the phone was engaged - there was nobody on the other end - I was just being funny."
The copper paused - not a thinking man's pause either - more a pause before all the steam shoots out of his ears. "Funny? You think that was funny?" (In my head I'm thinking - 'well yeah actually') "I tell you what is funny, I can take you to my desk sergeant on the grounds I think you are a danger to that woman and have you locked up for 24 hours. How funny do you think that is?" (In my head I'm now thinking 'Hmm - that would get me out of cutting the grass?')
"Not at all officer - I was just being silly - obviously it wasn't funny, a mistake on my part, I didn't mean to cause offence." I think the way I was shrugging my shoulders and semi-giggling meant that the apology was not going to work.
"Do you have any idea how many times I deal with bullies like you? Everyday I speak to victims who have been attacked at home. Every day I see the aftermath of women abused by boyfriends and husbands -what's funny about that?” I'm still pinned up against his car and decided that I need to back-peddle sharpish.
"Look my friend - it was a childish and silly prank and in no way intended to reflect my loving relationship at home - I don't know why I did it, it was completely wrong and I can see how it has backfired and evidently I won't be doing it again."
"Too right you won't - stay there - don't move, don't even think about moving." PC Uptight then walks off and checks the tax disc, tyres etc on my car. He so wants to find something wrong. Had I not been in a residential street with curtains twitching I swear he was going to use my head to smash a break light or something. God he was really livid. Scratching his head and taking in deep breaths, while occasionally glaring at me he walks back over. (Now my head is saying - 'watch out he's going to chin you!').
"Get out of my sight - you Pratt and don't ever let me catch you pulling a stunt like that again."
Fair enough I suppose. In he gets - drives 20 yards - slams on his brakes - gets out and shouts back "And don't even think about driving that car until you secure that front!"
Luckily for me, the driver of a car that had pulled into a drive during this fiasco - asked me what was going on. I just told him that the policeman was having a bad day and could I borrow some selotape. He obliged. I drove home a few minutes later - the wife was completely oblivious to my trials and tribulations and sitting comfortably on the sofa watching Deal or No Deal. Fat bitch!