Last Tuesday I was on a train from Burgess Hill to East Croydon at 11.20am. For those of you that don't know the area, the first stop on this journey is Wivelsfield, about 2 minutes up the track. Wivelsfield is one of those stations that only one person ever gets on. It could have been the setting for the American ware wolf film, especially the station pub – The Watermill, darts stop in mid-air there.

Anyway the point is that a minute after leaving this first stop I noticed, walking along in a field, a lion. That's right a full grown lion. Actually it was a lioness to be accurate, but that's just splitting hairs. Really, really I saw a bloody great lion casually walking along a tractor track in a field no more than 30 yards away, and only about half a mile from the actual station.

You can imagine I was a little shocked. "I've just seen a fucking lion!" I said to the passenger opposite me. "Good for you." she replied, without even taking her eyes off the newspaper. "Err…did anybody else just see that?" I asked the carriage, "Anybody see that lion?" I think one person looked at me and shrugged his shoulders, the rest just ignored me. This was a good indicator of what would happen throughout this episode.
I really didn't know what to do, I thought about 999, I thought about getting off at the next station and going to the local police station but worried about my appointment in London, I decided to text my mate John who is a special constable. "I've just seen a lion in Wivelsfield. What should I do?" I wrote. John is smart and level headed, if anybody could give me sensible advice it was my best friend John. Beep, Beep – my phone flashed, it was John replying back, "Best you have another beer mate!".

Next step was to text 'Question Man' on 63336, it costs a quid but he can answer anything you like. Again I sent the same message, I waited about 10 minutes and eventually got the answer.

"AQA suggests if you have seen a lion you should contact your local Zoo which is Battersea Park 0207 9245826 or the RSPCA 0870 3335999."

No offence but I've been to Battersea Park Zoo and there aren't any lions there. Maybe meerkats, butterflys and some sheep – but no sodding lions. So I called the RSPCA and got put through to a recorded message in the 'Missing Cat' helpline. What is the point in that? I am sure the girl on reception just laughed and thought "I got another nutter on the phone."

I came back from London and reported it to the local police station. I explained to the officer that I was "sane, sober and had perfect vision. It was definitely a lion.". So you can imagine my surprise when he asked "Are you sure it wasn't a cow, walking like a cat?". For Christ's sake! Aggghhhhhhhhh! What? A cow walking like a cat? Do cow's walk like cats? Why on earth did he ask that? Idiot, a complete idiot. So I said "Yes officer, it could have been. It could also be a Chinese mountain goat dressed in a lion's suit going to Gerald the Giraffe's fancy dress party – IT WAS A BLOODY LION!"

Disbelief and piss taking have ensued everywhere I tell my tale. Only Lundraa, who herself shows some slight signs of madness, believes me – thank you! I have since been advised that I was mistaken and it was probably just a Llama. Oh joy, oh joy, I am saved, praise the lord we are all saved. There was me thinking I saw a fully adult, golden brown, 300lb lioness but instead I obviously mistook it for a smelly, goofy, pointy-eared 100lb two-tone bloody llama! I mean isn't it just possible I know the god damn difference between the two?!!?

Make no mistake, I SAW A LION. Not a fox, or a badger, a cow or a llama. It was my friends - a lion. It was last seen in the Wivelsfield area, probably half way up Rocky Lane, heading towards Haywards Heath. I can not answer questions like "What do you think it was doing there?" or "Why hasn't anybody else seen it?" or "What was it's fucking name?". All I know is that I saw a lion. Clear as day.

Some good news is that the police community liaison officer has been in touch following an email I sent him questioning their commitment to my sighting. His response was..

Dear James ,
Thank you very much for the e-mail concerning a possible lion on the loose. I can assure you that I have taken this matter seriously and have contacted the local RSPCA. They believe it is possible that one of the local residents could possible own a 'big cat'. They will task one of their inspectors to investigate this matter.
If you do have any more information regarding this you can contact me via 0845 ***

Encouragement perhaps? Well at least he only used the word 'possible' three times. "Possible lion on the loose" – OF COURSE IT WAS BLOODY LOOSE! It’s not as if there was a lead attached to it because Mrs Miggins was taking it for a bloody walk?!?! Jeez. And to think they've called in the RSPCA – oh thank fuck. There was me thinking about the safety of the local children who could get mauled and all they are worried about is his bloody living conditions! Come on, play the game?! It's a lion, not a pigeon cooped up in its cage.
A week passed, I didn’t hear anything. I presumed it would just blow over until some poor sod got eaten. Trust me people, I SAW A LION.

The great hunt for Lionel the Lion eventually ended. Far from it being an armed response unit who shot the beast dead just seconds before it attacked a group of innocent school kids, the mystery was solved by our local paper The Sussex Times. They ran an article warning residents that a ‘local businessman had seen a lion’ and asking for any further sightings. Luckily for me a local resident has come forward saying his 'dog' had been loose on the day in question and it was finally found by the railway line and must have been the lion.

Hey this wasn't any ordinary dog; it was a 'Dogue de Bordeaux' – a French dog. That's grounds for shooting it anyway isn't it? The only French dog I've seen big enough to pass as a lion is probably Goofy fucking around at Euro Disney. Which reminds me, do you know why they don't have fireworks at the Euro Disney in Paris? Because every time the fireworks go off the staff start surrendering! Oh come on – if we can't pick on the French who can we pick on?

I'd like to thank the Sussex times for their help in this matter. Clearly it was a dog. The great Lion mystery is solved. A brilliant piece of investigative journalism! Mind blowing. The fact that my neighbours put up 'Missing Cat' posters all over our street and my colleagues kept singing "A wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a wimoweh, the lion sleeps tonight" was embarrassing enough. Now the office have started playing "who let the dogs out woof, woof, woof, woof!" – which is just soooo bloody annoying!!

I'm not proposing for a moment that there wasn't a dog on the loose but I am questioning whether they think I am a complete fucking idiot? There are many unanswered questions, some good ones, a couple of ridiculous ones and ones that make me want to poke the person asking in the eye. But I guess it’s time for me to drop the lion episode if the only solution offered is that it was a dog out having a walk. I do not understand why nobody went to check it out, maybe there are footprints, maybe carcasses of other animals, maybe there is a whole sodding pride of them. Either way at least the police should have done a little more than give me various other animal scenarios to shut me up. The 'great Burgess Hill lion conspiracy' is apparently over, so I am going back to staring at hot chicks on trains instead of looking out of the window at the wildlife.

At least we have learnt something, I wasn't aware how much these animals all resemble each other. If you look at the image below and I shall talk you through them? The first is actually a Dogue De Bordeaux – hey that had you fooled didn't it? You thought it was a tiger didn’t you? The second might look EXACTLY like a lion, but is in fact just a cow – that looks like a lion and maybe even walk like one. The third man-eating predator might look like it could rip you into five pieces with one swing of it’s claw but it is in fact just a sweet little old Llama. The fianl picture is whatever you want it to be – a golden badger for all I care. I saw a lion.

The Lion